Things to Know Before You Go

I saw this great article on Buzzfeed, which is an opinion post, where the author listed things she wishes she knew about therapy before she started. She wanted others to know how the reality of it is, or her reality. I thought it was great to see insight from the couch, as I call it. Therapy can be scary and intimidating. I hear frequently from clients they are not sure “how it is supposed to work.”  This list is helpful in that regard.

I will list just the headings and highlighted portions here. You can find the details in the full article on Buzzfeed

• Some of the time, you’re not going to like therapy, at least, not in the way you usually like things.

  • more often than not, “having gone” feels a lot better than the actual “going.”

• Having a space 100% dedicated to you will be unlike anything else in your life and you won’t know how you functioned without it before.

  • You just get to focus on yourself, and oh my god, it’s life-changing.

• You shouldn’t be discouraged if you don’t have some big cinematic breakthrough. It’s more about making lots of tiny changes.

  • Don’t think of therapy as working toward that breakthrough. Instead, think of it as improving, healing, and fortifying yourself one session at a time.

• You can mistake not liking your therapist with not liking the things they’re saying.

• Going to therapy doesn’t necessarily mean having to face that one difficult thing you’re not ready to talk about, so don’t let that put you off.

  • A good therapist won’t push you to talk about skeletons in your closet or deep-rooted childhood issues if you don’t want to.

• You’re allowed to push back against your therapist, and whine and rant and argue.

  • I’ve learned therapy is so much better when you’re an active participant, and sometimes that involves things getting heated and having disagreements.

• In fact, therapy is a low-stakes place to practice all the more unsavory forms of communication, like standing up for yourself, arguing, apologizing, or being vulnerable.

• A session can feel frustratingly short, so it helps to think about what you want to talk about beforehand. Just don’t expect to leave having covered everything.

  • Remind yourself you can keep coming to therapy for as long as you want, and you can get to everything *eventually*.

• Not every session has to be super deep or emotional. Some days, you’re just going to want to talk about a fight you’re having with a friend or a minor work frustration and that’s okay.

• But you have to be careful that you’re not just spending sessions ranting (unless that’s why you sought out therapy).

  • One thing that helps with this is making a list of goals for therapy and checking in with your therapist about your progress.
  • It’s called a Treatment Plan. It should be completed at the beginning and reviewed periodically with your therapist

• Your therapist is a great person to ask, “Is it me or them?” about many of life’s complicated conflicts.

  • Luckily, a therapist is an invaluable objective resource to help figure out if you’re in the wrong or if there’s a pattern of behavior that inevitably causes stressful, bad things to happen.

• Taking the time to jot down thoughts and reflect after each session is an extremely good way to get the most out of therapy.  (I LOVE THIS!)

  • But if you actually want to retain and put into practice stuff you’re learning, journaling after each session is a helpful tool.Some basic things that might be worth scribbling down after each session:

• A summary of what you covered

• Key lessons or things you want to remember

• What things were hard to talk about and why

• Things you either forgot to bring up or that you want to revisit next session

• There’s no right way to do therapy.

  • Sometimes all you need to do is find a therapist you feel comfortable with, trust the process, and go from there.

From the comments I noted two important topics

• Be Honest. Lying only wastes your time and money.
• You might feel worse before you feel better.

Sleep – It’s important

I could not think of another way to say it, but yes, Sleep is Important!

I just finished up a course on the impact of sleep. We generally do not give sleep the attention or validate its extreme impact on our daily lives. One thing that permeated the research and material was that we often downplay our lack of sleep as no big deal.  “I’ll sleep when I’m dead”

Sleep is so vital to our minds and bodies to be healthy and just maintain homeostasis.

Sleep operates in 4 layers.

1. The light sleep (non-REM 1), like “taking off” in a plane, still aware of the ground, can see the cars and people, going up. It is entirely possible to land quickly at this stage, like a jolt even.
2. The 2nd stage is a little deeper (non-REM 2), still on our way! This stage creates the homeostasis needed for the real work to happen, lowering body temperature, calming the mind and body functions.
3. 3rd stage (non-RED 3) is the beginning of some hard work, body repairs! This is the place where we tune up, heal, clean out our chemicals, and reboot bodily functions. We need this to not only heal from sickness but whatever else we do to our bodies daily and start fresh in the morning.
4. 4th stage is dreaming (REM). This is vitally important to our mental health. We dream to organize and sort our thoughts, events and daily lives. We need to figure out where it all goes. If we miss this part, we are often confused, irritable and forgetful. Some things will not make sense.

All these stages cycle. Those cycles serve a purpose too. If we don’t get enough sleep we might be missing the most important part, like putting the oil back in the engine after a tune up or putting your files back in the drawer instead of a stack on the desk. The work is not quite finished when sleep is cut short. We need all the bits!

The recommended hours of sleep for adults is 7 HOURS minimum…. MIN.I.MUM. 

Here is the chart from the CDC about recommended hours by age. Children needs lots more just because they are growing; creating brain cells and bones and skin and immune systems, etc.

How much sleep you need changes as you age. CDC.gov

Age Group		Recommended Hours of Sleep Per Day
Newborn	0–3 months	14–17 hours (National Sleep Foundation)1 No recommendation (American Academy of Sleep Medicine)2
Infant	4–12 months	12–16 hours per 24 hours (including naps)2
Toddler	1–2 years	11–14 hours per 24 hours (including naps)2
Preschool	3–5 years	10–13 hours per 24 hours (including naps)2
School Age	6–12 years	9–12 hours per 24 hours2
Teen	13–18 years	8–10 hours per 24 hours2
Adult	18–60 years	7 or more hours per night3
	61–64 years	7–9 hours1
	65 years and older	7–8 hours1

If you have struggles with getting to sleep, staying asleep or even sleeping too long (there is such a thing), you can get help for that. Some of us may think,

• “but I feel fine on 4-5 hours”
• “I can’t sleep longer than X hours. I just wake up.”
• “I don’t have time for that!”

We must make time for our sleep. Everything else will suffer if we do not. We set our own circadian rhythm, which is how, when and how long we sleep and are awake for. We can train ourselves to get healthy sleep. It requires consistency and diligence. This is a case where “21 days make a habit” might actually apply.

How!? How do we adjust our sleep schedule and have good sleep hygiene?

I have listed some suggestions according to the stage of sleep it relates to

1. Create a sleep routine.
   1. Same bedtime every night, do things that wind you down, like shut down the house (lock doors, check lights), change your clothes, take a shower, wash your face, brush your teeth, meditate, listen to relaxing music, talk to your partner, read a book. Tell your body “it is time to sleep.”
   2. No caffeine at least 6-8 hours before.
   3. Don’t eat at least 2 hours before.
   4. NO ELECTRONICS (seriously, it messes with your sleep)
2. -4. Keep your room cool, not too cold or too warm. Your body temperature cools when you sleep.
   1. Keep your lights low.
   2. Keep noise down and/or sleep with white noise to filter out noises.
   3. Be comfortable.
   4. Avoid interruptions

RESOURCES.

This is a list of great resources I found on healthy sleep. There are more, but this is a good start

• Better Sleep
• Calm (pay app with cool stuff)
• Sleep Foundation
• CDC Sleep Tips

Balance during Isolation (pandemic)

In the United States, we just hit the one year mark for lock down due to contagion of the COVID19. This virus quickly spread into a pandemic, forcing many people to work from home, school from home, avoid contact with people, and closed stores and restaurants. We had to isolate. It was shocking, terrifying, confusing and frustrating.

The adjustment from “is this really happening?” to trying to make it work for ourselves was and has been a struggle. That does not even include those who suffered on other levels like job loss, home loss and family loss. Those of us who were lucky and maintained our job, live with people we actually like and didn’t get sick, still had major accommodating to do.

I found an amazing video that really tells how it is to be isolated; during a pandemic, periods of work from home, even just living alone. It outlines typical issues we have run into and ways to work with what you got. This is simple, easy to understand and easy put into place.

I hope that you can take some of these suggestions for your own life. They are great ideas even after the isolation is over. We do better when our lives have good, healthy, easy to see and follow boundaries.

Choose your Narrator

We all have voices in our heads. They can sound like parents, partners, teachers, any other influential person in our upbringing. They can also be our own thoughts and beliefs about ourselves and the world. You can hear your narrator if you listen close to your responses to people, events or your own choices.

If you hear “That was stupid!” in an angry, condescending voice when you make a choice. That is your narrator. The should of, could of, ought to and other negative commentary. That is your narrator. A popular narrator is a parent that has strong opinions, we might even use their voice “Nice girls don’t…” or “Nobody likes…” or “You’re disgusting!” or “See, nothing good happens…”.

We usually install this narrator voice unconsciously and over time. As adults, we can be more conscious about what we allow our brains to tell us. We can deny the negative and let in more positive. We can shut down the nagging, whining, berating, hateful voice that hurts and welcome the warm, kind, accepting new relater.

We can CHOOSE our narrator

Replacing or even just renegotiating the narrator takes some conscious work. First, we really need to start listening to how we talk to ourselves. Yes, everyone has a narrator, a voice that tells our story perspective in our head. It has a lot of commentary about what goes on. Listen and pay attention to your thoughts.

TRY FREE WRITING:

• Sit down with some paper and write about something that happened that day
• Write your thought and how you are thinking about it now.
• Review it, try to be objective.
• Look for the negatives. There might a lot or hard to distinguish. “He just hates me.” “I don’t deserve” ” I’m too stupid”.
• You also spot life views “everyone is mean to me” “work is dumb” “I hate this!”
• Look for alternative to those negatives to replace.

Choosing the positives replacements is harder than it sounds. You have to change your perspective. Look at things differently. Do they “hate” you or perhaps just distracted, upset, or hurt? Are you really dumb/stupid or just need some help or do a little research to understand something? One incident does not equal global reality. Find a new way to say those things to yourself. Catch your negatives and practice replacing.

Change the voice to someone kind, patient and integrative with your personality. It’s important to find a voice that coincides with who you are; similar to you, accepting, loving and understanding, like a best friend!

Your narrator can sound like your hero, someone you look up, a personal “cheerleader.” That is who you need in your head. You can relate your new narrator to someone who had your back, supported you and loved you. It could be the same parent who is judgmental, just choose those good things and leave out the bad. Just like a “bad apple” those negatives do not have to ruin the whole batch.

Choosing your narrator takes time and conscious effort. Give yourself the space and time to do the work. The narrator was not formed in a week, but years and with layers. It takes a while to catch your negatives and automatically replace them, until they stop showing up altogether.

The jagged spoon

I have a spoon in my utensil drawer that has met the whirling garbage disposal. It has jagged edges now, not like a spoon should be. A spoon needs to be smooth and curved to do it’s job well. The sharp, ragged edges cut the lips and mouth. It can still hold food and transport it my mouth, and it hurts. I think, every time I see the spoon, “why do I still have that spoon?” Yet, I leave it in the drawer. Sometimes bury it under the “good” spoons.

I believe that a lot of people have tools they keep and don’t use. I think that we, as people, tend to hold onto a lot of things that we don’t need or even, perhaps, hurt us. I imagine this spoon as metaphor for coping skills or behaviors that we choose to hold onto, even though they may hurt us.

When you open your drawer of go-to, even thoughtless, behaviors, reactions, coping skills, do you look at what you grab? Are your reactions instinctual? Do you sometimes end up with the jagged spoon? Cutting and hurting yourself in the process of protecting yourself? Thinking “it will work just fine – if I do what I always have done.”

Eventually, we might need new spoons.

The jagged sharp spoon did not start that way. It was good, until it wasn’t. How do you decide when a behavior or coping skill is not for you anymore? How can you tell if you are hurting yourself? Generally this comes after a behavior or reaction. It is a matter of self reflection and paying attention to what you do. If you find you continue to behave in the same way, which sometimes hurts you, you might want to look at some new tools, new ways to do things.

Spiritual Practice – G

G – GRACE & GRATITUDE

GRACE

Acceptance of God’s Love ~ Watching for gifts ~ Reading spiritual memoirs and biographies ~ Awareness of synchronicities ~ Gift of tears ~ Lighting candles

Grace, to me, is so much about living with what you got rather than envy what you do not. We are all given the gifts of body and mind. How you choose to receive and use those gifts are up to you. Grace is conducting your body and mind in a manner of gratitude and growth. Not only being grateful for your today and what you have and looking forward to new gifts and how to share them. We also grow by learning about those whom we look up to. Not only in a spiritual sense, but personality, career, political, etc. All of these lend to our sense of self and spirituality, or connection with others.

  GRATITUDE

Gratitude journals ~ Naikan ~ Blessings ~ Greeting the dawn ~ Mealtime grace ~ Offerings

I have written about gratitude before. It is one of the aspects of “Happy” people. When we are grateful, for everyday things, we are focusing on our blessings and not shortcomings. It can be easy, especially in our culture, to get caught up in what we don’t have. This creates angst, resentment, greed, etc. Keeping a gratitude journal helps us remember that everyday we have things to be grateful for. The journal is simply writing down good things that happened that day and events, people or things you are grateful for.

Naikan is a the Japanese word for “introspection” It is a practice of self reflection, which includes gratitude. It can be a simple and easy way to include gratitude daily. It can also be a reflection of those who given to you throughout your life.

Naikan reflection is based on three questions:

1. What have I received from __________?
2. What have I given, what have I done for ___________?
3. What troubles and difficulties have I caused __________?

Spiritual Practice – F

F – Faith & Forgiveness

FAITH

Talking to God ~ God box ~ Prostration and Surrender ~ Trust Exercises ~ Personal creeds ~ Examen of consciousness ~ Participation in a Religious Community ~ Sacraments ~ Sharing Sacred Stories

Faith is about your sharing your soul/self/consciousness with a larger entity.  That larger entity could be a God, nature, unseen forces or the collective peoples of the world. However you choose to nurture your spirituality aides in your sense of connectedness to the world around you. People come together with like values, morals and believes in faith. There many ways to believe and worship. Those many options listed above are about the connection, feeling comradery and support while allowing others and your entity to take on some of your strife. If you are not religious or feel a sense of spirituality, you could find a place or activity that gives you peace and sense of safety.

FORGIVENESS

Letting go ~ confession of sins ~ repentance ~ reconciliation ~ Passing the Peace

Forgiveness is very powerful! It is also quite difficult for some people. Forgiveness includes other people who may have wronged you, grief for unmet needs and your personal transgressions. Yes! We need to forgive ourselves as much as others.

We usually relate forgiveness to “forgive and forget” when you have been hurt be others. This does not help you or them. If you have been wronged, you need to examine that instance, take responsibility for your portion, adjust your expectations and boundaries and let the anger and sadness about it go. It does not have to even involve the other person. Forgiveness of others is about YOU. You need to make peace with a wrong doing and release the power it has over you. This can be simple or complex. Letting go may need outside help in complex cases like abuse. When others ask for forgiveness, they are asking you to make them feel better about what they did. You are NOT condoning behavior or words with forgiveness. You are freeing yourself of the negative impact on you. I have written on this in more detail here.

Identifying unmet needs is tricky and can harbor some really negative feelings. People let us down. It is usually no fault of their own. Just our expectations. We can harbor some pretty negative feelings about those unmet needs. For example, if your mother suffered from severe depression and was not capable of being affectionate or even emotionally available when you were a child, you may have some anger about that as an adult. Forgiving her will allow you to let go of those painful feelings. This would entail understanding her situation from an adult perspective and accepting her limitations. Writing a letter to people you have negative feelings about (even if you never send it) can help you sort and understand those unmet needs.

Forgiveness of yourself is allowing you to see your mistakes, sins, bad choices, wrong turns, etc and letting them go. You can’t just dismiss those things from your life. All those choices are part of you and who are you today. Your personal forgiveness is about looking at those choices, what have learned from them, what might you do differently and how you can grow from that experience. Once you really understand them, you can let them go. You can allow yourself the freedom to not feel the guilt and remorse of your sins. Saying “I’m sorry”means you understand what you have done and will not do it again.

Spiritual Practice – D & E

D – DEVOTION  &  E – ENTHUSIASM

DEVOTION

Prayer ~ Prayer Circle ~ Mantras ~ Zikr or Remembrance of God ~ Bhakti Yoga ~ Chanting ~ Prayer Dancing ~ Icons ~ Prayer Beads ~ Altars ~ Prayer Flags and Wheels ~ Amulets ~ Milagros

Devotion is the practice of bringing yourself closer to your deity and spirituality which brings a sense of peace, calm, and connectedness. Many of the practices listed above are means for one to find that path. There are specific acts to help you achieve connection and peace, like prayer, yoga, mantras, chanting and dancing. These are ideal for focusing your energy in all aspects into your devotion and practice. They can help you release the temporal thoughts and worries.

The others are tangible means to connect to spirituality, like  beads, amulets, altars, milagros, flags, etc. These act as reminders of your connection and help keep you close to your spiritual connect. Many items hold much spiritual significance for people and are held sacred, like saint medals, prayer beads, and amulets.

Find things that have meaning for you. That may connect you to your spiritual peace and practice. It can be anything you feel deepens your connection, that feels peaceful to you.

ENTHUSIASM

Spiritual mentors ~ Emulation of Saints ~ Singing Hymns ~ Praise and Gospel Music

Music is powerful! It is one wonderful way that many religions build enthusiasm for God. Music of any type invokes emotional reaction. People are moved by music. Religious saints, deities, and figures represent an ideal of how we may to live our lives. They are the guides to our behaviors and beliefs. When we choose one to emulate, it helps us make healthy and clear decision, like WWJD (what would Jesus do).

Find music that moves you to feel good, open, warm and accepting of others. Chose someone you find inspiring and spiritual that you might want to emulate in life. You can find a mentor or do your own research to utilize certain beliefs, values and behaviors in your own life.

First Spiritual Practice Post

Spiritual Practice – C

C- COMPASSION & CONNECTIONS

COMPASSION

LovingKindness mediation  ~  tonglen   ~  empathy  ~  visiting the sick  ~  service to the poor and suffering

Compassion is the “sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it.” We show compassion from a very early age. Children will try to comfort others as soon as they are capable of comprehending and interacting in the world. A toddler will bring a blanket, toy, pacifier, or bottle to a person who is sad or crying. We innately connect and feel compassion for our fellow earth dwellers. We learn to suppress these feelings as we grow. Compassion is an integral part of happiness and contentedness in humans.

There are many options of find service in your community.

• VolunteerMatch
• United Way 

Here are short videos which explain and guide through a brief LovingKindness mediation or Tonglen mediation.

CONNECTIONS

Honoring ancestors & the communion of saints  ~  home shrines  ~  kinship with animals  ~  dedication to all beings and future generations

Humans are social beings and need others. We need other people, animals and plants together. We are all connected and impact each other’s lives.

Honoring ancestors and home shrines can be as simple as having photos of your family and keeping family and cultural traditions. While we remember and honor our past and heritage, we need to honor the future generations also. By being accountable for our impact on the environment, communities and legacy and raising children and neighborhoods well.

How can you impact the future today? 

Spiritual Practice – B

B – BEAUTY & BEING PRESENT

BEAUTY

Living Simply  ~  Clearing Clutter  ~  Nature walks  ~  Ikebana  ~  Tea Ceremony

Beauty includes the everyday beauty and appreciating what you have right here and now. The Simple things that create and generate gratitude.

 

These suggested practices, and your own personal rituals, which give you peace and calm to appreciate things in the everyday; To see the beauty in the mundane.

I love to look at the details. I enjoy every sunset and sunrise when I see the glorious colors that nature can create. I point out to my children the beautiful details in nature or man, watching new leaves roll out, the autumn colors, cloud shapes, stars, cool rocks, spiderwebs, birds and bugs. These are in nature. Though, all things can be beautiful in their own way. The love between a couple or mother and child. Find the beauty in your day.

 BEING PRESENT

Living in the present moment ~ haiku ~ free intuitive writing ~ gardening

Living in the moment can be difficult if you have anxiety or depression. I have heard “Anxiety is always living in the future. Depression is always living in the past.” It can make living in the moment, practicing mindfulness, very difficult.

Mindfulness takes practice. You can not do it all the time, but most of the day. You still have to plan. You can find peace in the moment. Mediation, free writing, gardening, walking, etc can be very good ways to stay in the moment and appreciate today. These are only about the now.